Monthly Archive: January 2017

January 30, 2017

Today has been a better day. Well, actually today pretty much stunk. After going to bed sad I woke up better but not quite as right as usual. My day didn’t have any particularly terrible disasters, more like a string of things that just kept my day off kilter. And the more off things went, the worse my attitude went with it. By this afternoon I couldn’t decide if I want to scream, cry, or punch something. I just had too many emotions rolling around.

But, as always, the Lord knew what I needed. This evening He allowed Tim & I the opportunity to sit in a studio with a group of exceptionally talented musicians, and just listen. Music always speaks to me, it always has. And tonight’s music just seemed to roll away the anxiety and pent up frustration. It left me feeling calm and no longer out of control. It helped heal the hurts in my heart.

So tonight, the sad is still here but it isn’t as oppressive as it was last night, and for that I am so very thankful. I can already tell that tomorrow is going to be a better day.

I really don’t like the sad days. I don’t like feeling dark and lost. But I trust that my God has a plan for even that. I trust that my experience – the good, the bad and the ugly – all have a purpose. To encourage other families, to empathize with searing loss, so that we can invest in other people. So we can share hope.

Psalm 147:11
11 No, the Lord’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Romans 5:2-5
2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

January 29, 2017

It’s not very often that I sit down to write and don’t know what to say. Or where to start. Really, today was a good day. We celebrated my Papa’s 91st birthday. What an amazing thing! It was wonderful to have a house full of family with kids running everywhere. But I was missing a kid. And as we celebrated all I could think was if I had the privilege to live a life that long and full, then I have a really long time to live without my Kayleigh, without my Baby Duck.

I really don’t want my mind to drift to such sad things. I continually must remind myself that God’s plan is perfect and His promises are true. Honestly, I don’t know what God’s plan is for us, nor what His specific promise is pertaining to is, but I’m asking Him to begin to show us what He wants us to do. And I am learning to wait patiently for the Lord to show me what He wants me to know.

Romans 15:13-14
13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. 14 Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Romans 15:45
4 Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.

Thank you for your prayers.

Until tomorrow,

January 28, 2017

I am happy to report that after a blue feeling day yesterday, God’s mercies were indeed new his morning. I had grand plans of house cleaning scripted for today, but God had different plans. And as always, His were better than mine!

We kicked off this morning with Cole’s Pinewood Derby for Boy Scouts. My little man entered a purple KB 14 car in Kayleigh’s memory. We had a great time watching him race and just enjoy being with friends. Any moment I get to watch him just be a kids does my heart good. I know he struggles with making sense of Kayleigh’s death, as well as the grief and pain of loss. He seems to be doing pretty well, he just seems too old sometimes.

Not only did Cole have a great time racing, but Tim and I had a wonderful time talking with another St. Jude family. There is just something about being around people that have been in your shoes. The relationship is just easy. It’s easy to talk, they understand, and somehow that helps you heal.

Mid afternoon we made our way downtown to a beautiful, quiet little park where we have the privilege of watching two of our friends get married. Kayleigh’s story brought them into our life and we are so very thankful for them both. My prayer is that God will bless their marriage as they walk together, and continue to learn to always walk closer to Him.

For dinner we had an impromptu family cook out at my parents. We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and watched a movie. It was so wonderful to just be still for a little bit.

It’s also wonderful to see just how the Lord ministered to my heart today. He took my plans and rerouted them in order to refill my soul. He knew I needed another mom to talk to that understood where I am. He knew that seeing people we love pledge their love to each other would give me joy. And He knew that time with my family would help restore my balance. He knew exactly what I needed and provided it without my asking. He truly is my good, good Father.

Isaiah 65:24
24 I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!

1 John 3:1a
3 See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!

Until tomorrow,

January 27, 2017

And just like that, another week comes to a close. It’s amazing how quickly time passes. I’m missing my littlest girl tonight. Grace and I had a lovely mommy, daughter date this evening. But sometimes those sweet moments with Grace remind me that I will never have another minute with Kayleigh. The grief rolls in and if I’m not careful I can get lost in it. I have learned to battle the sadness with thanksgiving and hope. It’s hard to be sad when you’re thinking of all the things you have to be thankful for. And those moments of intentional thankfulness water my soul and help my hope grow.

Sadness will still come, and that is ok. Just remember, joy come in the morning!

Lamentations 3:23
23 Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Until tomorrow,

I’m missing this little monkey and Max knows it. He’s curled up with me tonight 💜

January 26, 2017

So, I had someone ask me today “where do you draw your strength and devotion from?” The immediate thought that came to my mind was a line from “Praise You In The Storm” by Casting Crowns –

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

My help comes from the Lord. What a simple answer. And while 100% true it didn’t feel like the complete answer to the question. Because yes, my strength comes from the Lord, but how does it get to me? How do I access it? I don’t think I’ve ever thought about the how before.

I’ve rolled that question around in my head for hours now. And honestly, I’ll probably keep on rolling it around for a while. But for tonight, I just have step one, and it’s one of my favorite words… choose. My strength comes from some very specific choices.
– Trusting that God’s word is true
– Trusting Jesus as my savior
– Trusting that God is good
– Trusting God’s plan, even when I don’t understand.

I choose to trust. Not based on feelings, but based on 33 years of interacting with the Lord on a personal level. Watching Him answer prayers and direct my path. He has never failed me. And just like any relationship, my trust grows with every day, because He care for me better than anyone else.

Please don’t misunderstand, that doesn’t mean everything has always been rosy. I’ve had spells where I got aggravated because God didn’t do what I thought He should. But Kayleigh’s illness really showed me how God answers my prayers perfectly. Looking back I can see where more than once He answered “no,” and it turned into a beautiful blessing.

So yes, my strength does come from the Lord. It comes from my daily walk with Him. And just how amazing is that? We can have a deep, personal relationship with the God of the Universe. That is mind boggling.

Psalm 121:1-2
1 I look up to the mountains— does my help come from there? 2 My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!

Until tomorrow,

Isn’t His handiwork amazing?