Monthly Archive: April 2017

Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Today I am holding tight to this verse because I am feeling crushed. My walk with Jesus isn’t about feelings, it’s about holding tight to that which I know is true, even when my feelings don’t match. Today my feelings are broken; my eyes continue to fill with tears; the grief is overwhelming; and the hurt burns bright like hot coals. All I know to do is let the tears fall and sit at the Fathers feet, trusting that His word is true.

Romans 8:28
28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

I don’t know how this horrible grief will be used for good, but I trust that it will. I have no other hope than to place my hope and faith in Jesus and His plans for me. So tonight, I choose faith through my tears.

Hebrews 11:1
11 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

How about a Grace and Cole update? Life has returned to as normal of a state as possible. Of course, there really is no such thing as normal, I guess maybe we’ve just settled in to a routine.

If you have been following along with us for a while you probably remember that both Grace and Cole had surgery in January. Grace had a large cyst removed from her sinus cavity, and Cole has a very large lipoma removed from his neck. Both kids did great, all pathology reports were negative for anything abnormal, and they have healed up nicely.

Grace tried out and made the volleyball team for next year. She is excited to add a new sport to her repertoire. She is also full swing into softball season. Softball is her first love and we spend many hours at the ball park. Of course, the park is like a second home to us, so we certainly don’t mind spending time there.

Cole has healed up nicely. His surgery was a bit more extensive than Grace’s. It took him quite a while to really get back to normal. He still has some twinges from the incision site but overall he’s back to normal. He fills his time with Boy Scouts and art. Give that boy paper and a pencil and he’ll occupy himself until the paper is full.

Both of our kids are learning to live with the hole Kayleigh left behind. We work hard to remind them whenever they are sad that Kayleigh is happy. That she is perfect, whole and happy. It’s hard because they miss her, but we often talk about how we would never ask Kayleigh to leave perfect heaven and come back here, not even if we could. I mean really, that would be mean!!

It’s hard as an adult to wrap my head around God is good, His plan is perfect, He loves me – and He didn’t answer my prayers the way I wanted to. As an adult I have a bit more perspective as to how God saying “no” can turn into a good thing, but for children – it’s different. They don’t have the perspective of years to look back on. I pray every day that God will give us the words to teach our children. To help us guide them through grief while keeping a healthy view of God.

Overall, I am thankful. Thankful for our new routines. Thankful for Grace and Cole who I love so very much. And thankful for Kayleigh, who taught me what was important, and made me a better mom for Grace and Cole. I miss you Ducky, but we are going to continue to love each day to the fullest. At least until Jesus calls us home and we get to be together again.

1 Chronicles 16:34
34 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Deuteronomy 11:19-21
19 Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. 20 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, 21 so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Celebrating Grace’s birthday

Cole’s violin recital

Grace up to bat

Softball season is in full swing. I love this time of year, being at the park, watching kids running everywhere, visiting with parents. It’s always amazing to see how much the kids mature, grow and improve year to year. As much as I love it, this year is hard.

As with so many things, my perspective has changed. Looking around the park I no longer see strangers and opposing teams, I just see family. I see the people that rallied behind us, prayed for us, raised money, and loved us. My favorite part is the hugs from Kayleigh’s friends – they haven’t forgotten her. While it brings me so much joy to see them growing up, it breaks my heart at the same time. There is no growing up for Kayleigh, she will be forever frozen at 7 in my heart.

It would be so very easy to allow myself to stay in the sadness. There are certainly plenty of things to mourn and the devil likes to remind me of what I’ve lost. What I am coming to understand more each day is that it’s not about me. It’s not about what I’ve lost. It about what Kayleigh has won. It’s about eternal life. It’s about running the race that is in front of me, trusting that God’s plan is perfect and that He is sovereign above all else. It’s about looking past the pain of now to the hope of the future.

Amazingly, when it stops being all about me, and becomes all about God, everything changes. Joy replaces hopelessness and peace replaces anxiety. This verse from Job says it perfectly…

Job 43:5
5 I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.

Yes, I’ve heard about God and His goodness all my life, but now I have seen it for myself. Some things simply cannot be understood or appreciated fully until they are tested.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 6 Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

These have always been some of my favorite verses. So many of the people close to me are battling difficult situations. Pain, grief, loss, sickness, the giant lurking shadow of the unknown. It would be so easy, and so perfectly human, to allow worry of the unknown to take control of our lives. But that is not how we are called to live. Those of us who have chosen to follow Jesus, we are told over and over “do not fear.”

I pray each of you will make the choice to trust – even when it doesn’t make sense.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

I’ve been noticing a theme in what the Lord has been saying to me the past few days. It’s been very much focused on faith. I have found God reminding me of how He has cared for us these last 11 months. Reminding me that the refiners fire is at work, burning away the junk and only leaving what is good and pure. When you find yourself in the center of calamity, you quickly realize what is important. Kayleigh’s diagnosis did just that, all the junk that filled our lives and made us “busy” just fell away, it wasn’t important anymore. And now, almost 5 months after her death, our perspective is just… different. Good different.

A friend sent me the following quote from a local church sign – “Unless our faith is tested, we really don’t know what kind of faith we have.”

God certainly tested our faith, and I don’t believe He’s done. As long as we live, God will place opportunities in front of us where we get to choose. Choose to believe He is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will do, or not. I’m not going to tell you it gets easier, because it really doesn’t. What does happen, is your confidence grows. Confidence in God and His plan – and with that confidence comes this amazing peace.

But being tested is a difficult thing. Being willing to submit to being tested is a huge struggle as well. All of us are going to find ourselves in difficult situations at different points in our lives. I’m beginning to understand those moments in our lives are the catalysts for change. Moments where if we choose to allow God to work in our lives, He will grow us in amazing ways we never dreamed.

James 1:2-4
2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

Testing teaches us, grows us, helps us, and guides us. It is necessary, and ultimately, it is worth it.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

My arms miss holding her, but our time araprt is but a tiny piece of eternity.