February 26, 2017

I’m so thankful my mom offered to post last night. I didn’t realize just how emotional the Smile-a-mile event would be. Even though we were never able to participate in a Smile-a-Mile event with Kayleigh, our hearts go out to any family battling cancer. SAM is an amazing organization. What they do for the children, parents, siblings during the battle and after is amazing. Of course they have services for the kids that are fighting cancer, but they have support services for the kids that beat it and for the families that lose their babies. It is. It an undertaking for the faint of heart.

Watching that room full of people donate so generously, to bless families, was beyond description. Honestly, Tim and I did well all night. At least until they showed the film of all the cancer patient enjoying camp. For me, that was too much. I couldn’t watch. As the video played, my focus was on the beautiful purple butterflies scattered around our table. They were just little paper cutouts, nothing over the top, but they reminded me of my girl. And while I miss her, I am so thankful for the loves she has changed.

To those of you who stopped us, and let us know you have been following Kayleigh’s story – thank you. Thank you for continuing to let us know that Kayleigh mattered and her story makes a difference. It seems whenever I start to get particularly sad, the Lord sends one of you, out of the blue, to remind me. And those gentle reminders keep me going. I didn’t expect anyone to know us last night, how silly of me to put boundaries in the Lord.

These verses from Hebrews always speak to me. It’s amazing how the same passages read at different times in your life strike you in different ways.

Hebrews 12:1-2
12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

I’ve always read this and thought of the “big” sins, major things that need to be set down and turned away from. But tonight when I read that, all I could think of are the “little” sins that trip me up. I use quotation marks because God doesn’t differentiate between big and little sins. Sin, is sin, is sin in God’s eyes. None are bigger or smaller than the others. All sin causes separation between us and our Father. But… humans are bad to rank sins. Those “big” sins are so easy to see, but man-oh-man… those “little” sins are sneaky. The little thoughts that slip in and go unchecked, the crummy attitude that comes out, wallowing in self pity… there are so many things that snare us and stop us in our tracks. Tonight, God is reminding me to set those down.

Tonight I’m intentionally setting down my sadness at His feet. Jesus knows my heart, He knows my grief, and He cares. He feels my pain… He also replaces that grief with peace and joy. Yes, I still miss Baby Duck deeply. That will never change. I walk through the house, see her pictures, and wonder how could this have happened? But then, I remember all that God has done and is doing, and my spirit is reassured that God’s plan is perfect. I am learning to find much solace in God’s peace through the storm.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

Facebook gave me this memory today. My precious little Cinderella, mopping the living room. I remember that day so clearly, she was so excited and felt so grown up. Thank you Jesus for beautiful memories!

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