Monthly Archive: February 2017

It’s been 3 months. Three months since I laid in that hospital bed, in the center of my living room, holding my precious baby, watching her breathe her last breath. It was 10:05 am. I can’t remember what time she came into this world but I can certainly remember the exact moment she left it.

I try not to dwell on that memory – the one where she leaves me. I try to focus on all of the good. The memories of Kayleigh happy. Her beautiful smile, sparkling eyes, and all that hair. Her amazing school. The softball community. I look for the good, that is how I push forward each day. Working to create her foundation. Increase awareness for this tragic disease. Raise funds for research and to help other families that are fighting to save their children. That is Kayleigh’s legacy – one of hope!

Of course it never fails, the devil works hard to keep the clouds overhead. Tonight at a softball meeting I discovered that our local softball board requested that the little city field Kayleigh’s age played on be named after her. Oh my goodness, she would have loved that. But then they tell me that they have been working on it since she died but they cannot get permission.

I realize that while my loss is huge to me, it isn’t important to everyone. And while my head understands that, it hurts my heart. I just keep reminding myself, Kayleigh mattered. No matter what value, or lack there of, other people place on her – I KNOW she made a difference. She made me a better person and her story has encouraged so many. Even though my heart hurts, I will strap on my armor, and I will find a way to stand. Even when the devil hurls the most hurtful things at me – he will not win.

Ephesians 6:13
13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.

It seems appropriate that today would also be “International Childhood Cancer Awareness Day.” I can assure you that we have become determined advocates for pediatric cancer. We can beat this together.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Happy Valentine’s Day my friends. It seems the older we get the less of a holiday Valentine’s Day becomes. Not to mention neither Tim nor I are particularly mushy individuals. But as I scrolled through so many posts, people talking about being married to their best friend, newly weds with super sappy posts, cute young couples that are dating… I can’t help but look over at the recliner kicked back next to mine and be thankful.

We are a pair of seriously imperfect people. And wow, do I mean imperfect. I am so thankful for the work the good Lord continues to do in both of us. How He is changing us to be more like Him, which in turn makes us better for each other. We still have a LONG way to go, but Kayleigh’s sickness and death have drawn us together on the most fundamental level.

Tim isn’t my best friend. I have some pretty amazing friends, but friends often times come and go. He doesn’t put butterflies in my stomach, and he doesn’t make me act silly. No, Tim isn’t any of the fluffy things I read in Valentine Cards. He is so much more. He is the exact match to my puzzle pieces, made by God specifically for me. He is strong, steady and quiet – which balances my loud, spontaneous nature quite well. I draw strength from Him – just by resting my hand on his arm.

No, I’m not generally the mushy sort, but I am the thankful sort. And I will be thankful for all time that I found my mate. One that feels my grief, and endures the pain of loss with me. One who dries my tears and weathers the emotional storms that seem to blow up out of nowhere. One that sees me at my worst – and loves me just the same.

1 Peter 4:8
8 Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

I know the death of a child can cripple a marriage. I am so thankful that even though we struggle, we have chosen to struggle together, as a team. The load is much lighter when you don’t carry it alone.

Ecclesiastes 4:12
12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Finally, my prayer for us…

Mark 10:9
9 let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Not mushy, but he knows I love flowers!

It’s the 13th of the month. I don’t care what month it is, the 13th and 15th are always hard days. The 13th is the day she was diagnosed. The 15th is the day she went home. So today marks 9 months from her diagnosis. Nine months is really such a short time frame, yet so much has changed, and so drastically.

I’ve struggled to find words to post tonight. It’s hard to find positive words when all you are thinking is, “Nine months ago my world turned upside down.” Even with so many awesome things being planned in Kayleigh’s memory, it’s hard to wrap my head around she’s gone and never coming back.

But then my eye lands on my wrist and the bracelet I haven’t taken off in months.

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

And I am reminded, that while I can’t see how all of this comes together for God’s plan, He can. He knows the plans for us – He made them. We just have to be faithful to stay on the path, pray for wisdom, and trust God’s guidance.

Sometimes that is easier said than done. So, we’ll just keep practicing.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

And just like that, the weekend is over and it’s time to start a new week. I find myself praying for this week to begin better than last. For less sad and more moments to be thankful for the gift that was Kayleigh’s life.

I know our family would appreciate your continued prayers. And not just Tim, myself, and the kids – but our extended family as well. Each of us continues to battle grief in our own ways. It’s like slogging through hip deep, sludgy, swamp water. It’s dark, nasty, and not the kind and of thing you want to sign up for. Yet, here we are, standing in the funk.

The good news is you’ve never met a more stubborn bunch of people. So while we are in this mess, we aren’t going to stay here. We are going to continue to move forward. We might be limping a bit like the walking wounded, but we will continue to fight through the sludge – keeping our focus on Jesus and what He has done for us. God makes no mistakes and we are all here for a reason.

In my 7th grade Sunday school class we talked about the importance of putting on the full armor of God each and every day. That armor protects us from those fiery darts hurled by the devil. But so many days we are “too busy” to take the time to prepare ourselves. How silly is that? We are to busy to protect ourselves from harm? If it was physical harm I was talking about we would be looking for a way to save ourselves from immediately. Our hearts are just as precious as our bodies, and they need protection too.

Ephesians 6:13-18
13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Philippians 4:6-7
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

For everyone who has ever asked, “How do we do it?” Those verses are the answer. We don’t, God does. He protects our hearts and minds and fills us with joy. It’s not always easy, but it always works.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

This is worth fighting for…

Happy Saturday, friends –

It’s been a good day here. Busy trying to get our house in order after a string of crazy weeks. It was so nice to just have some time at home. This evening I had the pleasure of a ladies night out. The United Way had a “Girlfriends Gala” benefiting Hospice of the Valley Children’s Bereavement Fund. That is a charity close to my heart right now.

I also know Kayleigh would have loved it. She loved to watch me get ready for something fancy. She liked watching me put on make up. The bigger the make-up the better, and of course you should always add glitter. And I did. I found purple and glitter – she most certainly would have approved.

As I sit in my chair, cozied up in my PJ’s I’m still wearing every bit of my makeup. It made me sad to think about taking it off. So, I’ll spend a few minutes remembering her in her bright blue eye shadow the last time we had an opportunity to dress up. I’ll remember how she loves her beautiful, blue princess dress and the “heels.” She felt so grown up that day. It’s such a happy memory.

I like this verse. It reminds me that there is such hope in our Lord. There will be grief, but He will turn my grief to joy.

John 16:20
20 I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Kayleigh’s do-it-yourself blue eye shadow

My purple “in honor of Kayleigh” make up