Monthly Archive: February 2017

We made it to Friday! Woo hoo!!

Not only did we make it, but it was a beautiful day here in Alabama. A little cool, bright and sunny. It’s amazing what sunshine will do for you mood! That and some good one-on-one time with the Lord, nothing cold be better.

This beautiful verse food it’s way to be late last night. It’s stayed with me through the day.

Isaiah 58:11
11 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.

I think that sums my week up. I have been oh so dry. But my time with the Lord last night was like rain to parched ground. I cannot help but marvel at the gracious love of Jesus. The way He tends to my needs and directs my path. I am so thankful for His direction. Sometime, people tell me that they don’t experience God like that – they don’t feel His direction. I know I haven’t always. But, Kayleigh changed that.

I had head knowledge of Jesus and some heart knowledge. I loved Him and knew He was my Savior, but I could go days without spending any significant time with Him. Enter Kayleigh’s illness and that changes completely. I began to count on my savior for every answer. And after Kayleigh’s death, I began to count on Him for every breath. And guess what? He never failed me.

No, He didn’t answer all of my prayers the way I wanted Him to. But I am learning that what I think I want isn’t always what I need. Thankfully, God doesn’t grant my every whim like an overindulgent parent. He gives me what I need. When I need it. Not a moment too soon, and never too late.

When you learn to love God like this, it changes everything. I believe I find God’s direction because I truly want it – no matter what His answer is going to be, or what He is going to require. I trust Him. That’s a little bit of a scary place to be because it leaves much to the unknown. But it is also exciting. It allows me to live a life of anticipation, waiting to see what amazing things God is going to do. And He never disappoints.

Yes, I’m still sad a little each day. And some days are harder than others… but that is ok. My God is on the throne and He is going to do amazing things. How thankful I am to be His child!

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

I miss these moments but treasure the memories.

What a week… and it isn’t even Friday! My mood has followed the weather this week. If you aren’t from this part of the world that means, grey skies, rain, thunderstorms, swinging from hot to cold, and a general feeling of unrest. I’ve had moments, even hours of feeling fine, then out of the blue a wave comes and I get sucked back in the grey. I’ve got to say, I’m not particularly keen about these feelings. I’m quite certain Tim would like for them to settle down. Poor guy catches the brunt, especially when sad turns to mad and back to sad.

Today just tipped me over the edge. I found Kayleigh’s softball pictures from last year. I had completely forgotten about them. Then there she was, smiling at me, with her right eye drooping, because that was right before we found out about the cancer. There is no stopping those waves of grief and loss. I think that is what has felt so big this week. The loss.

I’ve watched her friends sign up for another year of softball. They come in, give me hugs – I love it. I love seeing how they have grown and what precious young ladies they are becoming. And yet I feel the loss that I won’t get to experience that with Kayleigh. I walk in her room, sit on her bed, and the knowledge that she will never lay there again washes over me like it’s a fresh wound. Yes… today tipped me over the edge. I found her radiation mask, stroked her face, and gave God the broken piece of my heart.

And as always, God is good. He directed me to the passage I love in Lamentations. Lam 3:22-25, so much hope there. But tonight I was drawn to the verses before that… Lamentations 3:1-21… This are not happy, hopeful verses. Those are verses of deep despair – filled with pain, and anguish of loss. As you read those verses you see the author, Jeremiah, is about to lose hope – but then He remembers who God is, and what He has done for him in the past. Jeremiah finds hope, and pens some beautifully inspiring verses. Not because his situation changed, but because he changed his perspective.

I love that God doesn’t expect me to have it all together. He doesn’t expect me to understand. He doesn’t get angry with me for being sad. He guides me to His word and encourages me through the scriptures.

I would suggest you take a moment and go read Lamentations 3. These are some of the other verses the Lord brought to me tonight…

Psalm 31:14-15
14 But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, “You are my God!” 15 My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.

Psalm 51:10-13
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.

Isaiah 26:12
12 Lord, you will grant us peace; all we have accomplished is really from you.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

Good evening, Friends –

Tonight is one of those nights where I have no idea what the Lord wants me to say. It’s been a long day, I’m tired, and it would be so easy to take a night off. But that’s not how this works. I promised I would write every night, as long as the Lord gives me words. And I know that writing each night is what helps me get through. So, I guess we’ll just see what the Lord has to say together :).

Today has been a better day. Kayleigh’s little foundation continues to grow. This is quite the undertaking, far more than you would probably guess. Would you pray with us for clear direction and a clear path? For the Lord to open the doors we need. And that we will get all of the paperwork filed correctly to push through everything for the foundation. Pray for each person helping us with this event and setting up the foundation. We are so very amazed by our little town. Amazed and thankful.

This verse and to mind tonight…

Philippians 4:19
19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

God is going to supply our every need. I just have to remind myself of that on occasion.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

I love you Baby Duck, I always will.
Truly,
Mommy Duck💜

Hello Friends –

Today has been a better day. It’s still been a struggle, but I am learning that my struggles are a part of the process. That doesn’t mean I like the struggles. I don’t like being sad. I don’t like that being around Kayleigh’s friends make me miss her more. A part of me would like to get past hurting and move on. I don’t like being sad! But… I know this process is a part of God’s plan. I know that our journey and my sorrows are equipping me to help other people navigate hurt, loss and despair.

I can tell you that understanding doesn’t make me like the process, but I can appreciate it better. I can see that our pain allows us to relate to people differently. One of our prayers for Kayleigh was simply, “Thy will be done. ” Oh how I wish His answer would have been different. Yet, if God had answered our prayers, and we had never endured grief like this, we would not be able to reach or help people like we can now. Somehow, our loss is benefiting others.

What a steep price to pay. Yet I have a Savior that did that and so much more. I have a Savior that took on all of my guilt, sin and shame. I have a Savior that gave His life in place for mine. I have a Savior that conquered death and rose from the grave 3 days later. I have a Savior that I trust completely. So… if I trust Him completely, then I trust Him in this too.

I know that the clouds of sadness will always come and go. And I know, with time the sharp pain will dull and be more of an ache. But I’m not going to rush time. I’m choosing to learn what it is God needs to teach me where I am now. I know He will get me where He needs me in His time and in His way.

This verse hit me today. It’s not time for our grief to pass. Our focus is on not our will, but Christ’s be done.

Luke 22:42
42 “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Mercy what a day! I count myself as a very fortunate person. I don’t dread Monday’s, I love my job and my coworkers. But today… it was one of those Monday’s.

We visited Kayleigh’s gravesite on the way home yesterday and I’ve just been flat feeling ever since. I miss her. Toss in a little stress with a little sad and it just stinks. I’m so thankful for my faith and a God that loves me just the way I am. That I don’t have to get myself straightened out to be in His presence. I can take my broken pieces and hand them over to Him to fix. He mends my heart, holds me close, and dries my tears. Oh how I want to hold her again. See her face. Brush her hair. Kiss her cheeks. But today is not that day.

While I can’t see, hold, or touch my girl, I can still remember. This evening we met with many of the city leaders to really start getting the Prayers For Kayleigh event underway. It helps to have this project, to feel like we are still doing something for Kayleigh. Carrying on her legacy. Remembering our girl and sharing her with others. Our town is really quite amazing. The way the leaders are willing to help and make this an amazing event. We are truly blessed. I can tell you from the lineup I heard tonight, you’re going to want a ticket. It’s going to be awesome!

And no, I’m not announcing that lineup yet. We still have details to work out. It’s important that anything we do with Kayleigh’s name on it be done to the best of our ability. But stay tuned.

So tonight, I go to bed still sad but hopeful at the same time. We have something to look forward to and there is much work to be done. Thank you God for the promise of a new day.

Deuteronomy 31:8
8 Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

You are my sunshine…