Good morning friends. I’m sorry for not posting last night. I started writing but the words just wouldn’t flow. I had so much to say and so many things God was doing in me that I must have needed time for those things to settle and my thoughts to calm. But thankfully, as scripture says, joy comes with the morning (Ps 30:5) and today is a new day.
Yesterday was… I don’t know. I need a thesaurus for a word that means “a good day because God gave us a new one, a hard day because the news was difficult, a day of hope because we remember that God is in control, a learning day because God is teaching me so much”. I’m not sure what that word is but that was yesterday.
Our main appointment was with Kayleigh’s radiation oncologist. He is a brilliant man and we are thankful for how he has helped us. He is very straightforward and answers our questions clearly which is greatly appreciated. He checked Kayleigh out and let her go play while we talked about the scans (if you have not read my earlier post the scans did not show any shrinking). He answered some of our questions and gave us good advise about how to make choices for the next phase. He confirmed that any external beam re-radiation is not an option for Kayleigh. As we were finishing up he said “she’s such a beautiful girl, it makes us sad, I’m sorry”.
I’m sorry… Those words hung with me all day. We’ve only been on this path 2.5 months and yet we have already reached the end of what medicine can do on that front. Our prayer is for God to shut doors and make his path clear and as I write this I am seeing how God is indeed answering my prayers. One door closed. What I wasn’t prepared for was how my heart would feel as Kayleigh’s options are taken away.
I wrestled yesterday. My faith held fast to what I knew – God is good, His plan is perfect, His timing is perfect, He loves Kayleigh more than I ever could. But if I am honest, my heart still stung. Not from doubt but from the unexpected way God answered my prayer. Do I trust Him? Completely. But I would have felt better if I still had numerous treatment options for Kayleigh. Hmmm… Complete trust can’t have any “buts”.
Thankfully, we have a good, good Father and He sent me a gentle reminder to be patient and listen in the devotion I read after that radiation appointment. We came here on a mission to find the next step for Kayleigh on the path to healing. Seeing her scans Monday and talking to the doctors Monday & Tuesday made that feel like the most important thing in the world and we needed to get the answer immediately. But God reminded me that the most important thing is to listen to Him. Patiently listen to him – not rush.
I could stop talking right here and you all would be fine. But since I’ve chosen to be completely honest on this forum I’m going to tell you that my devotion and prayer time helped but my heart still struggled. And Kayleigh did too. She had worries and would cry on and off all afternoon but not tell me why. Finally at bed time I got answers from her. Her biggest fear now is separation from me. Fear that I might leave her for some reason. Fear that if I die before her she won’t have a mommy any more, fear that if she dies first that she will go to heaven and not know where to go and have no mommy there. Oh how that hurts my heart. I can promise her that I will never leave her here on this earth but I cannot help her past the fears of death. I just keep praying that God will give me the right words to soothe her fears and that her new relationship with Jesus will grow so that she trusts Him and He puts her heart at ease.
Finally, as I tucked Kayleigh in and read my bedtime devotion the Lord met me where I was again with John 16:33. Reminding me that it doesn’t matter what it looks like, He has over come the world. And that really, the whole point is to get to the point where the situation is completely impossible so that “victory is absurdly impossible to everyone, except God.”
I can tell you that the thought of reaching “absurdly impossible” with my precious baby girl is the most scary thing I have ever faced. My prayer daily is that I will remain faithful and that my trust will not be shaken. That God will continue to use Kayleigh’s story to change hearts and draw people closer to Jesus. And that I will be able to pour into Kayleigh the truths that she needs to build her relationship with Jesus.
Please keep praying with us for healing this side of heaven, but please add that we will have the strength we need every moment of every day to continue to fight and stand strong for the Lord.
Until tonight,
‘Carrow 💜
John 16:33
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
I’m including a picture of both devotions so you can see just how awesome God is and how He so graciously brought me the words that I needed to hear.
Morning devotion
Bedtime devotion
Puppy therapy – because dogs make everything better 💜💜💜