Author Archive: 'Carrow McClendon

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement on last night’s post. You all cannot know how much we appreciate the way you continue to stay with us through every trial and turn. I know through God’s grace, and with amazing people like our prayer warriors, Kayleigh’s foundation will be a success. Please continue sharing, promoting, and giving.

Did you know that DIPG is the most deadly cancer out there? I was researching for a talk I was doing, when I looked up cancer survival rates. Specifically, I searched for “most aggressive types of cancer.” I was actually surprised when I found DIPG was at the top of the list. I knew it was bad, I guess I didn’t realize just how bad.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some other really terrible forms of cancer that have horribly low survival rates. But only DIPG has a 0% survival rate. Zero. Defeating DIPG is a monumental task. It is dear to us because of our daughter, but our precious friends battling other aggressive cancers are just as important. All I can think is that if we can start making headway on the worst cancer there is, surely we can make a difference in cancer research across the board. So, we are setting our goals high, and swinging for the fences, and reminding ourselves each day that nothing is too big for God. We believe!

Mark 9:23
23 “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

I saw this on a friends page. It just fits perfectly.

It’s been a strange and difficult few days. This war that continues to wage between what I feel and what I know. It’s a tricky thing – feelings. They drive us so completely. So often our feelings cause us to speak before we think, act before we should, and sometimes – run headlong into trouble. Our inherent self preservation steers us towards the things that make us feel good. I mean really – who likes to be sad, hurt, mad, or broken? We don’t generally sign up to be miserable on purpose!

Whether you have experienced loss first hand or not, you can at least imagine how terrible it would be to lose someone you hold dear. The feelings that come with that kind of loss are quite frankly, indescribable. They are dark, sad, and full of this aching despair. Very much like a thick fog that surrounds every, single, part of your life, seeping into every little corner – nothing is safe. And those painful feelings? They are normal. When something precious has been lost we mourn, it’s how we are made. God doesn’t expect us to stop feeling. He does however expect us to trust Him. To look beyond our feelings to His truths.

Sounds nearly impossible doesn’t it? If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus, it certainly is impossible. However, with Jesus – everything changes.

Matthew 19:26
26 Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”

I know I will fight this battle until the day I die. My human nature that is prone to fear, pity parties, and running away would like nothing better than for me to give in to the overwhelming feelings of sadness. But that’s not who I am. Am I sad? Yes. Am I broken? Most certainly. Do I miss my baby? More than words can say. But what I have found through this experience defies all logic. I have found that joy and thankfulness can coexist with the sadness. Somehow, they balance. I can miss Kayleigh, be joyful that she completed her task here on earth, and be thankful I had the privilege of being her mom.

The devil is going to throw curve balls. The hard part is choosing joy when you’re under attack – but the longer you walk with Jesus, the easier it becomes.

Romans 15:13
13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

This was today’s curve ball. These dirty socks were under the couch in my office. Usually I would be holding these nasty things with 2 fingers – but not this time. This time I held them in my lap for a while and then set them on my desk where they will stay. Rather than let them upset me, I chose to look at them as a sweet reminder. Thank you Jesus for dirty socks.

Palm Sunday. The day Jesus rode in to Jerusalem, lavished in praise, loved by the people. Yet in just a few short days those same people would be chanting for his crucifixion. As we prepare this Holy Week to celebrate our Savior’s resurrection, I find myself even more thankful for God’s gift of Salvation. Because of Christ’s sacrifice, I have hope for eternity. I have hope that I will see my precious girl again. I have hope knowing that the pains of this word are temporary.

Today has been another difficult day. Not a bad day, just a hard day. Reality is settling in for exactly what we are missing, and it is a harsh reality. All the more reason to be thankful for the blessings God gives. Hurt and tragedy are not excuses to give up on God. They are opportunities to watch Him work in amazing ways.

Psalm 147:11
11 No, the Lord’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Today I am holding tight to this verse because I am feeling crushed. My walk with Jesus isn’t about feelings, it’s about holding tight to that which I know is true, even when my feelings don’t match. Today my feelings are broken; my eyes continue to fill with tears; the grief is overwhelming; and the hurt burns bright like hot coals. All I know to do is let the tears fall and sit at the Fathers feet, trusting that His word is true.

Romans 8:28
28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

I don’t know how this horrible grief will be used for good, but I trust that it will. I have no other hope than to place my hope and faith in Jesus and His plans for me. So tonight, I choose faith through my tears.

Hebrews 11:1
11 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

How about a Grace and Cole update? Life has returned to as normal of a state as possible. Of course, there really is no such thing as normal, I guess maybe we’ve just settled in to a routine.

If you have been following along with us for a while you probably remember that both Grace and Cole had surgery in January. Grace had a large cyst removed from her sinus cavity, and Cole has a very large lipoma removed from his neck. Both kids did great, all pathology reports were negative for anything abnormal, and they have healed up nicely.

Grace tried out and made the volleyball team for next year. She is excited to add a new sport to her repertoire. She is also full swing into softball season. Softball is her first love and we spend many hours at the ball park. Of course, the park is like a second home to us, so we certainly don’t mind spending time there.

Cole has healed up nicely. His surgery was a bit more extensive than Grace’s. It took him quite a while to really get back to normal. He still has some twinges from the incision site but overall he’s back to normal. He fills his time with Boy Scouts and art. Give that boy paper and a pencil and he’ll occupy himself until the paper is full.

Both of our kids are learning to live with the hole Kayleigh left behind. We work hard to remind them whenever they are sad that Kayleigh is happy. That she is perfect, whole and happy. It’s hard because they miss her, but we often talk about how we would never ask Kayleigh to leave perfect heaven and come back here, not even if we could. I mean really, that would be mean!!

It’s hard as an adult to wrap my head around God is good, His plan is perfect, He loves me – and He didn’t answer my prayers the way I wanted to. As an adult I have a bit more perspective as to how God saying “no” can turn into a good thing, but for children – it’s different. They don’t have the perspective of years to look back on. I pray every day that God will give us the words to teach our children. To help us guide them through grief while keeping a healthy view of God.

Overall, I am thankful. Thankful for our new routines. Thankful for Grace and Cole who I love so very much. And thankful for Kayleigh, who taught me what was important, and made me a better mom for Grace and Cole. I miss you Ducky, but we are going to continue to love each day to the fullest. At least until Jesus calls us home and we get to be together again.

1 Chronicles 16:34
34 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Deuteronomy 11:19-21
19 Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. 20 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, 21 so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Celebrating Grace’s birthday

Cole’s violin recital

Grace up to bat