Author Archive: 'Carrow McClendon

Happy Saturday, friends –

It’s been a good day here. Busy trying to get our house in order after a string of crazy weeks. It was so nice to just have some time at home. This evening I had the pleasure of a ladies night out. The United Way had a “Girlfriends Gala” benefiting Hospice of the Valley Children’s Bereavement Fund. That is a charity close to my heart right now.

I also know Kayleigh would have loved it. She loved to watch me get ready for something fancy. She liked watching me put on make up. The bigger the make-up the better, and of course you should always add glitter. And I did. I found purple and glitter – she most certainly would have approved.

As I sit in my chair, cozied up in my PJ’s I’m still wearing every bit of my makeup. It made me sad to think about taking it off. So, I’ll spend a few minutes remembering her in her bright blue eye shadow the last time we had an opportunity to dress up. I’ll remember how she loves her beautiful, blue princess dress and the “heels.” She felt so grown up that day. It’s such a happy memory.

I like this verse. It reminds me that there is such hope in our Lord. There will be grief, but He will turn my grief to joy.

John 16:20
20 I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Kayleigh’s do-it-yourself blue eye shadow

My purple “in honor of Kayleigh” make up

We made it to Friday! Woo hoo!!

Not only did we make it, but it was a beautiful day here in Alabama. A little cool, bright and sunny. It’s amazing what sunshine will do for you mood! That and some good one-on-one time with the Lord, nothing cold be better.

This beautiful verse food it’s way to be late last night. It’s stayed with me through the day.

Isaiah 58:11
11 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.

I think that sums my week up. I have been oh so dry. But my time with the Lord last night was like rain to parched ground. I cannot help but marvel at the gracious love of Jesus. The way He tends to my needs and directs my path. I am so thankful for His direction. Sometime, people tell me that they don’t experience God like that – they don’t feel His direction. I know I haven’t always. But, Kayleigh changed that.

I had head knowledge of Jesus and some heart knowledge. I loved Him and knew He was my Savior, but I could go days without spending any significant time with Him. Enter Kayleigh’s illness and that changes completely. I began to count on my savior for every answer. And after Kayleigh’s death, I began to count on Him for every breath. And guess what? He never failed me.

No, He didn’t answer all of my prayers the way I wanted Him to. But I am learning that what I think I want isn’t always what I need. Thankfully, God doesn’t grant my every whim like an overindulgent parent. He gives me what I need. When I need it. Not a moment too soon, and never too late.

When you learn to love God like this, it changes everything. I believe I find God’s direction because I truly want it – no matter what His answer is going to be, or what He is going to require. I trust Him. That’s a little bit of a scary place to be because it leaves much to the unknown. But it is also exciting. It allows me to live a life of anticipation, waiting to see what amazing things God is going to do. And He never disappoints.

Yes, I’m still sad a little each day. And some days are harder than others… but that is ok. My God is on the throne and He is going to do amazing things. How thankful I am to be His child!

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

I miss these moments but treasure the memories.

What a week… and it isn’t even Friday! My mood has followed the weather this week. If you aren’t from this part of the world that means, grey skies, rain, thunderstorms, swinging from hot to cold, and a general feeling of unrest. I’ve had moments, even hours of feeling fine, then out of the blue a wave comes and I get sucked back in the grey. I’ve got to say, I’m not particularly keen about these feelings. I’m quite certain Tim would like for them to settle down. Poor guy catches the brunt, especially when sad turns to mad and back to sad.

Today just tipped me over the edge. I found Kayleigh’s softball pictures from last year. I had completely forgotten about them. Then there she was, smiling at me, with her right eye drooping, because that was right before we found out about the cancer. There is no stopping those waves of grief and loss. I think that is what has felt so big this week. The loss.

I’ve watched her friends sign up for another year of softball. They come in, give me hugs – I love it. I love seeing how they have grown and what precious young ladies they are becoming. And yet I feel the loss that I won’t get to experience that with Kayleigh. I walk in her room, sit on her bed, and the knowledge that she will never lay there again washes over me like it’s a fresh wound. Yes… today tipped me over the edge. I found her radiation mask, stroked her face, and gave God the broken piece of my heart.

And as always, God is good. He directed me to the passage I love in Lamentations. Lam 3:22-25, so much hope there. But tonight I was drawn to the verses before that… Lamentations 3:1-21… This are not happy, hopeful verses. Those are verses of deep despair – filled with pain, and anguish of loss. As you read those verses you see the author, Jeremiah, is about to lose hope – but then He remembers who God is, and what He has done for him in the past. Jeremiah finds hope, and pens some beautifully inspiring verses. Not because his situation changed, but because he changed his perspective.

I love that God doesn’t expect me to have it all together. He doesn’t expect me to understand. He doesn’t get angry with me for being sad. He guides me to His word and encourages me through the scriptures.

I would suggest you take a moment and go read Lamentations 3. These are some of the other verses the Lord brought to me tonight…

Psalm 31:14-15
14 But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, “You are my God!” 15 My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.

Psalm 51:10-13
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.

Isaiah 26:12
12 Lord, you will grant us peace; all we have accomplished is really from you.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

Good evening, Friends –

Tonight is one of those nights where I have no idea what the Lord wants me to say. It’s been a long day, I’m tired, and it would be so easy to take a night off. But that’s not how this works. I promised I would write every night, as long as the Lord gives me words. And I know that writing each night is what helps me get through. So, I guess we’ll just see what the Lord has to say together :).

Today has been a better day. Kayleigh’s little foundation continues to grow. This is quite the undertaking, far more than you would probably guess. Would you pray with us for clear direction and a clear path? For the Lord to open the doors we need. And that we will get all of the paperwork filed correctly to push through everything for the foundation. Pray for each person helping us with this event and setting up the foundation. We are so very amazed by our little town. Amazed and thankful.

This verse and to mind tonight…

Philippians 4:19
19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

God is going to supply our every need. I just have to remind myself of that on occasion.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

I love you Baby Duck, I always will.
Truly,
Mommy Duck💜

Hello Friends –

Today has been a better day. It’s still been a struggle, but I am learning that my struggles are a part of the process. That doesn’t mean I like the struggles. I don’t like being sad. I don’t like that being around Kayleigh’s friends make me miss her more. A part of me would like to get past hurting and move on. I don’t like being sad! But… I know this process is a part of God’s plan. I know that our journey and my sorrows are equipping me to help other people navigate hurt, loss and despair.

I can tell you that understanding doesn’t make me like the process, but I can appreciate it better. I can see that our pain allows us to relate to people differently. One of our prayers for Kayleigh was simply, “Thy will be done. ” Oh how I wish His answer would have been different. Yet, if God had answered our prayers, and we had never endured grief like this, we would not be able to reach or help people like we can now. Somehow, our loss is benefiting others.

What a steep price to pay. Yet I have a Savior that did that and so much more. I have a Savior that took on all of my guilt, sin and shame. I have a Savior that gave His life in place for mine. I have a Savior that conquered death and rose from the grave 3 days later. I have a Savior that I trust completely. So… if I trust Him completely, then I trust Him in this too.

I know that the clouds of sadness will always come and go. And I know, with time the sharp pain will dull and be more of an ache. But I’m not going to rush time. I’m choosing to learn what it is God needs to teach me where I am now. I know He will get me where He needs me in His time and in His way.

This verse hit me today. It’s not time for our grief to pass. Our focus is on not our will, but Christ’s be done.

Luke 22:42
42 “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜