Author Archive: 'Carrow McClendon

Oh how my heart is hurting tonight. Kayleigh is still with us but continues to decline too quickly. She has slept nearly all day. Her food and water intake has decreased drastically and she lost nearly all ability to communicate. She isn’t able to speak and isn’t really able to even nod any more. We have increased her anxiety medicine to help with the jerking and constant restlessness. That has helped and she seems more peaceful. My concern now is that she cannot tell me when she is in pain. So we just have to use our best judgement as to whether or not she needs pain medicine.

She is still able to hold on to me. As I wrap her in my arms she will squeeze my arm or pat me. Oh how I treasure those moments. I spend my time whispering prayers asking for comfort, peace and mercy. Telling her that I love her. Letting her know that it is ok to go with Jesus when He comes for her. Stroking her soft cheeks knowing that my time to be able to do so grows short. I’m trying to store up those feelings, those memories so I won’t forget. But my heart is breaking tonight because I know with time her memory will fade. I’ll forget how it feels to hold her. I’ll forget what it feels like to touch her. I’m so thankful for the pictures and videos I have to remind me.

As I sit and pray tonight all I can ask for is that the Holy Spirit will intercede on my behalf. I simply to not have the words to express this magnitude of grief. I am SO thankful for every moment with this baby. Even with all this hurt I would not trade a moment. And while my grief is deep my hope and faith are deeper. I trust my Heavenly Father. That doesn’t mean it removes my pain, it just helps me see it in a different light. Never did God promise me that this road would be easy. Actually He warned that the road would be hard – it’s just that the reward is worth it.

Because of my hope in Christ I know this separation from my baby will be only temporary. We have eternity to be together. And while the time I still have in front of me on earth may seem long (God willing) it’s really only a drop in and ocean of eternity. So tonight I weep. I weep because my mother’s heart is still breaking. My beloved daughter is drifting from me and I can do nothing to stop it. But I know God is with me. He will not leave me. He will not make me walk this alone. He will carry my burden as long as I am willing to let him.

I know there has been much hate in the world today. The election has brought out the worst in many. Tonight I would ask that you lay all of that aside for a bit. Hold your children a little longer. Take a moment to be thankful for your health. Take a step back and choose to be thankful for the blessings in your life. One thing I have discover on this journey is that every day has its blessings. Even our worst days still have good if we make the choice to look for it.

Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 55:22
22 Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

1 Peter 5:7
7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

Good evening everyone,

It has been a quiet day at our house. Kayleigh slept most of the day and when she is awake we can tell she is beginning to slip more. It’s so difficult to wrap my mind around. When she sleeps she looks so beautiful, so peaceful, so at ease. Yet when she wakes she struggles and seems to be filled with restless energy. Her wakeful times are fewer and she is less alert. Often times the only way we know she isn’t actually sleeping is by the restless, perpetual motion of her left hand.

Ever since she was tiny she has had a special lovey, she calls “Big Bunny.” Big Bunny is always with us. She has tattered strings that Kayleigh mindlessly pulls to calm herself. Even as Kayleigh has declined and lost the use of the right hand she simply started pulling Bunny with her left hand. I told Tim when we were in the hospital last, and Kayleigh wouldn’t stop pulling the strings, we would know when things got bad because that would be the last thing to go. Today, for the first time, I saw her struggling to pull the strings.

Through pure grit and determination I watched her all day reposition Bunny, trying to get a better grip. Her fine motor skills are failing so the movements were big and clumsy, but she never stopped trying. She has so much heart, so much fight, so much more than I ever expected from my fairy princess.

As she sleeps more she is eating less. She is also battling congestion, especially when she sleeps for long periods at night. Her hearing is fading quickly and her cognitive speed is slowing down. Thankfully, her mind is still with us. It’s actually quite sharp, it just takes a little longer for her to process and respond.

So for now we continue to thank God for each additional day. Each day that she is comfortable, not in pain, and over all peaceful. We continue to soak up the minutes. I hold her every minute I can and tell her I love her over and over. Filling her life with as much love as I possibly can. I have no idea what God’s plan is for our girl. I don’t know the days or the hours that have been allotted to her, so I am striving to be content in each moment. Taking nothing for granted.

On that note, I hope all of you that were legal and able made your way to the poles today to cast your vote. No matter who you vote for or what your views are, the right to vote is a privilege. One that many men and women have given their lives to preserve. A privilege not to be taken for granted. I even managed to sneak out of the house long enough to cast my ballot as Kayleigh napped this afternoon.

Our prayer requests tonight are simple – for Kayleigh’s continued comfort and peace, and for God’s perfect healing in His time and in His way. We will never stop praying and believing

Matthew 18:1
1 One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up.

Colossians 4:2
2 Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

When Kayleigh’s hand becomes frustrated or too restless I replace Bunny’s strings with this little cross. It’s beautiful to watch her hold on to that which matters most.

Hello everyone,

We have little change to report tonight. Kayleigh continues to be about the same physically. She slept well last night and woke in a good mood. She has continued difficulty hearing, seeing, and speaking but she is still eating and drinking on her own. Her right side is completely unresponsive – she can feel on that side but she is not able to make it do anything. Her blood pressure and temp remain normal. Her heart rate is beginning to climb. Our nurse told me that is something that they look for – increased heart rate for a time and then it begins to drop. I don’t know if Kayleigh will follow that pattern but for now I choose not to dwell on that. I choose to say thank you Lord for another day!

I ask for your continued prayers for comfort and peace for all of us. Continue praying with us for Kayleigh’s healing and for strength for the rest of us as we try to help her fight.

These are some of the verses that the Lord gave me tonight. Each time I read them they become more and more real. I know God is testing our faith and creating endurance. I pray we will continue to be faithful every step of the way.

James 1:2-3
2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

Happy Sunday, Friends –

Things are much the same today. Kayleigh was not nearly as sleepy today which made for a wonderful day of chats, rest and family time. Kayleigh has actually been fairly stable the past few days, so Tim felt good about getting out and taking the older kids to church. It was great for them to get out, be with friends, and be refilled spiritually.

I stayed home with Kayleigh. We napped, and she feasted on jello. She was so tired yesterday that she didn’t eat a great deal. This morning she woke starving! It was great to see her with a good appetite with all chewing and swallowing working well. At one point tonight she looked at me and said “why do you keep treating me like a baby?” Ha! Her independent streak has been becoming a little stronger each day. That doesn’t mean she has gotten any better, it just means she’s a stubborn, hardheaded, “I’ll do it myself” little girl. She must get that from her daddy… um, well maybe a little from me too… Ok, a lot from me too. Poor thing, she’s got stubborn coming from all directions – but I’m pretty sure that tenacity is one of her best traits when it come to fighting. That and her good attitude. You know, I don’t think it’s ever even crossed her mind to have a bad attitude about all of this. I’m sure that could change at any moment, but for now I’m thankful for both the stubborn and the attitude.

The closest she’s come to asking why this is happening to her happened last week. She looked at me, struggling to talk, and said “why can’t I be like a normal girl?” Oh my heart. I gave her the only truthful answer I knew – because of that stupid tumor. To which she said “I just want to be a normal girl.” I had no answers for her, I just scooped her up in my lap and rocked her.

Over the last few days as I have thought about those words I know that is one wish that will never be granted. “Normal” is something Kayleigh will never be. She certainly isn’t normal now, not because of cancer, but because of the way she continues to touch hearts everyday just by being her beautiful self. If the Lord grants our request for healing she certainly will be anything but normal – she will be a walking miracle. And if she is healed eternally by going to heaven she will be so much more than normal – she will be perfect.

Tim and I have be blessed to be able to grant every wish Kayleigh has had to this point, but this one just isn’t possible. And tonight, as I look at my sweet girl, I know I pray for so much more than “normal.” I’m so thankful that this wish will go unfulfilled.

My verses for you tonight are some I read today from my sweet cousin. It so perfectly describes how we are able to continue fighting for Kayleigh everyday. Where our strength comes from. As long as we keep ourselves rooted by the stream of Living Water we will not falter. It’s the moments when I take my eyes off of Him that I struggle. Or when I try to do it myself – that’s when the load gets heavy. But when I remember to keep my rooted planted deeply and my eyes on the Lord, then, and only then, do I find complete peace.

Jeremiah 17:7-8
7 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. 8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Check out Aubie cheering for Kayleigh. I don’t care if I am a Bama grad and fan – that is awesome. I’ll give you a War Eagle for that 💜

Hello Friends,

Its been a good, quiet day at our house. Kayleigh started battling the sniffles last night so we gave her some medicine to help dry up the mess. Thankfully, it worked well and she was able to sleep peacefully. It knocked her for a pretty big loop though. She didnt wake until 11:00 this morning and then dozed most of the day. When she was awake she was still her cute self, even if she is slow to speak and hard to understand. Every time she manages to razz one of us I can’t help but smile. We also enjoyed having family visit today and time just to be together.

I don’t think I can begin to tell you all just how much I treasure each moment I have with Kayleigh. God is so incredibly good. He continues to fill my heart each day with hugs, snuggles, and kisses. I get to hold her and breathe in the sweet scent of her hair, just as I have since the day she was born. She never wants me to leave her side and honestly, her side is where I want to be. Yet even with my heart full of gratitude I still can get weary. Sometimes being the only person Kayleigh wants in the entire world can be hard. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I still loved and treasured being with her but my emotional tank was on fumes. I’ve been pouring out of myself into her for weeks without time to refill my own stores.

When the news crew showed up at our house yesterday afternoon unexpectedly it was more than I could handle. I’d had no shower, Kayleigh was tired, the big kids were running a muck… ahhhhh!!! Thankfully, after almost 20 years together Tim can see my train wreck coming. He jumped in and took care of everything. He did a fantastic job talking with the news guys, telling them about our purple lights and our awesome neighbors with their purple lights. He got the big kids under control and in the bed and even made last nights post. Then this morning he stayed with Kayleigh so I could have breakfast with my dad while Kayleigh was still asleep. It was wonderful. There is just something about waking up, getting dressed, fixing my hair and putting on make up that makes me feel like a human!

Not only did I get breakfast, but because Kayleigh was sleeping so well I even got to stop by the fundraiser our friends had for Kayleigh! Talk about humbling. See all those people gathered for our sweet girl – it was overwhelming. People were both running miles and biking miles, and not just a few miles – these guys did 400 miles for Kayleigh today. 400!!! I know there legs are going to feel like melted rubber bands tomorrow but those Olive boys are something else. Thank you Andy & Adam for the way you love our girl. And to all of the amazing volunteers that made it such an amazing event – thank you! Tim and I never cease to be blown away by the love and support of our community. I just wish Kayleigh could have seen it 💜

Tonight I am thankful for another day with my girl, my husband whom I love, and amazing friends and family.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Until Tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

The Olive brothers

Adam ran over 40 miles today

Andy biked 140 miles and had some great friends

Prayers for Kayleigh

Sweet girls at the bake sale

Kayleigh’s life long babysitter Natalie and sister Sam

Tim & his sister Tammy

Wonderful cousins. Aren’t they a good looking group?