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It’s hard to believe January is over. We certainly packed the month full – work, school, the kids surgeries, starting Kayleigh’s foundation, writing… It’s been crazy, but good crazy. We’ve had mostly good days, but hard times slip in unexpectedly from time to time. Thankfully, God is always good to help us weather the storm and get back on track.

Looking back, I know the only way we have been able to survive these past months is our faith. Not just because we believe in God, but because we have seen God do amazing things. Not only do we believe God is good, but we have seen Him BE good. Our every need has been met. Our prayers have been answered beyond our wildest dreams. That statement might cause you to check up a little bit, because you know we prayed in earnest for God to heal Kayleigh. And while that was one of our most ardent prayers, we also prayed for God to do what was best for Kayleigh. We asked God to show us His plan and help us walk in it. And He did.

I miss Kayleigh every minute of every day. But even all of those minutes are just a fraction of a drop in the vast bucket of eternity. And while I do miss her terribly, I know where she is. I know that she has received her reward. She lived her life in the most purple of fashions and now she gets to reside for the rest of time in perfection. That’s not a bad deal. That does leave me missing her, but as a parent I always want what is best for my child, and what is better than perfect healing when you are sick?

This verse continues to give me peace every day.

Isaiah 57:1
57 Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come.

Do you see that last line? “God is protecting them from the evil to come.” I have no idea what evil that would have been, but I do know that I am glad she didn’t have to endure it. As bright, beautiful, and spunky as she was, Kayleigh always felt fragile to me. I was always a little more worried about her. She just wasn’t as sturdy. But now I know why I felt that way, even then, God was preparing my heart.

So as I muse over Kayleigh’s #livepurple, faith is a very large component. Faith is our foundation. It’s the reason we haven’t been shaken. It doesn’t mean the days aren’t hard, it just means the hard is easier to bear. It means we don’t carry the burden alone. Faith makes something beautiful from these ashes.

Isaiah 61:3
3 To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

I pray we will be oaks, planted for God’s glory.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

God makes all things beautiful in His time and in His way

#livepurple

Heaven help me, I used a hashtag! If you’ve followed us for any length of time you may have noticed I don’t ever use hashtags. It’s not that I have anything against them, rather I don’t understand them, nor do I have any clue as to what their purpose is. Except of course you can squish a whole sentence into one line with no spaces, punctuation, or capitalization. When it comes to grammar it is absolutely scandalous! So, since I don’t understand them, I ignore them.

However, that little hashtag above is a different animal. During Kayleigh’s battle, a friend coined that little phrase “live purple.” Those two words seemed to encompass the idea of living like Kayleigh. Facing the world head on, trusting, believing, smiling, laughing… like Kayleigh. I liked that hashtag. #livepurple is this abstract ideal that seems to capture the essence of Kayleigh – at least in my mind.

One day last week a dear friend asked me what it really meant to “live purple,” and I have been mulling it over ever since. It means so many things to me, but all of it equates back to the feeling of peace, joy and contentment that comes when I’m resting in the arms of Jesus. It is a profoundly life-changing experience to watch the storm swirl all around you and yet not have a hair on your head mused by the winds. That was Kayleigh. That was Kayleigh living purple. Most days she lived without fear and was full of joy, even when things looked bad.

The back of her t-shirts say “faith, hope, love, strength,” those are the pillars of living purple. I don’t have enough time to touch on them all tonight, so, I think we’ll work through them one at a time over the next few days. But tonight I’m just thinking about the color purple in general. When you read about purple in the bible it is a precious thing. It was used for alter cloths and expensive robes for the wealthy. It was a status symbol.

Luke 16:19
19 Jesus said, “There was a certain rich man who was splendidly clothed in purple and fine linen and who lived each day in luxury.

Living a purple life – one that is full of peace, hope and contentment – no matter the situation – is far more precious than wealth. After our experiences these past 8.5 months I know God’s grace, goodness and mercy are more valuable than any treasure I can find on earth. Those gifts from God are the deepest of purple – the most precious treasures. They grant you the ability to smile, hope and be at peace – always.

Matthew 6:21
21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

Isaiah 33:6
6 In that day he will be your sure foundation, providing a rich store of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the Lord will be your treasure.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜
#livepurple

Today has been a better day. Well, actually today pretty much stunk. After going to bed sad I woke up better but not quite as right as usual. My day didn’t have any particularly terrible disasters, more like a string of things that just kept my day off kilter. And the more off things went, the worse my attitude went with it. By this afternoon I couldn’t decide if I want to scream, cry, or punch something. I just had too many emotions rolling around.

But, as always, the Lord knew what I needed. This evening He allowed Tim & I the opportunity to sit in a studio with a group of exceptionally talented musicians, and just listen. Music always speaks to me, it always has. And tonight’s music just seemed to roll away the anxiety and pent up frustration. It left me feeling calm and no longer out of control. It helped heal the hurts in my heart.

So tonight, the sad is still here but it isn’t as oppressive as it was last night, and for that I am so very thankful. I can already tell that tomorrow is going to be a better day.

I really don’t like the sad days. I don’t like feeling dark and lost. But I trust that my God has a plan for even that. I trust that my experience – the good, the bad and the ugly – all have a purpose. To encourage other families, to empathize with searing loss, so that we can invest in other people. So we can share hope.

Psalm 147:11
11 No, the Lord’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Romans 5:2-5
2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜

It’s not very often that I sit down to write and don’t know what to say. Or where to start. Really, today was a good day. We celebrated my Papa’s 91st birthday. What an amazing thing! It was wonderful to have a house full of family with kids running everywhere. But I was missing a kid. And as we celebrated all I could think was if I had the privilege to live a life that long and full, then I have a really long time to live without my Kayleigh, without my Baby Duck.

I really don’t want my mind to drift to such sad things. I continually must remind myself that God’s plan is perfect and His promises are true. Honestly, I don’t know what God’s plan is for us, nor what His specific promise is pertaining to is, but I’m asking Him to begin to show us what He wants us to do. And I am learning to wait patiently for the Lord to show me what He wants me to know.

Romans 15:13-14
13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. 14 Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Romans 15:45
4 Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.

Thank you for your prayers.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

I am happy to report that after a blue feeling day yesterday, God’s mercies were indeed new his morning. I had grand plans of house cleaning scripted for today, but God had different plans. And as always, His were better than mine!

We kicked off this morning with Cole’s Pinewood Derby for Boy Scouts. My little man entered a purple KB 14 car in Kayleigh’s memory. We had a great time watching him race and just enjoy being with friends. Any moment I get to watch him just be a kids does my heart good. I know he struggles with making sense of Kayleigh’s death, as well as the grief and pain of loss. He seems to be doing pretty well, he just seems too old sometimes.

Not only did Cole have a great time racing, but Tim and I had a wonderful time talking with another St. Jude family. There is just something about being around people that have been in your shoes. The relationship is just easy. It’s easy to talk, they understand, and somehow that helps you heal.

Mid afternoon we made our way downtown to a beautiful, quiet little park where we have the privilege of watching two of our friends get married. Kayleigh’s story brought them into our life and we are so very thankful for them both. My prayer is that God will bless their marriage as they walk together, and continue to learn to always walk closer to Him.

For dinner we had an impromptu family cook out at my parents. We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and watched a movie. It was so wonderful to just be still for a little bit.

It’s also wonderful to see just how the Lord ministered to my heart today. He took my plans and rerouted them in order to refill my soul. He knew I needed another mom to talk to that understood where I am. He knew that seeing people we love pledge their love to each other would give me joy. And He knew that time with my family would help restore my balance. He knew exactly what I needed and provided it without my asking. He truly is my good, good Father.

Isaiah 65:24
24 I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!

1 John 3:1a
3 See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜