Uncategorized

And just like that, another week comes to a close. It’s amazing how quickly time passes. I’m missing my littlest girl tonight. Grace and I had a lovely mommy, daughter date this evening. But sometimes those sweet moments with Grace remind me that I will never have another minute with Kayleigh. The grief rolls in and if I’m not careful I can get lost in it. I have learned to battle the sadness with thanksgiving and hope. It’s hard to be sad when you’re thinking of all the things you have to be thankful for. And those moments of intentional thankfulness water my soul and help my hope grow.

Sadness will still come, and that is ok. Just remember, joy come in the morning!

Lamentations 3:23
23 Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

I’m missing this little monkey and Max knows it. He’s curled up with me tonight 💜

So, I had someone ask me today “where do you draw your strength and devotion from?” The immediate thought that came to my mind was a line from “Praise You In The Storm” by Casting Crowns –

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

My help comes from the Lord. What a simple answer. And while 100% true it didn’t feel like the complete answer to the question. Because yes, my strength comes from the Lord, but how does it get to me? How do I access it? I don’t think I’ve ever thought about the how before.

I’ve rolled that question around in my head for hours now. And honestly, I’ll probably keep on rolling it around for a while. But for tonight, I just have step one, and it’s one of my favorite words… choose. My strength comes from some very specific choices.
– Trusting that God’s word is true
– Trusting Jesus as my savior
– Trusting that God is good
– Trusting God’s plan, even when I don’t understand.

I choose to trust. Not based on feelings, but based on 33 years of interacting with the Lord on a personal level. Watching Him answer prayers and direct my path. He has never failed me. And just like any relationship, my trust grows with every day, because He care for me better than anyone else.

Please don’t misunderstand, that doesn’t mean everything has always been rosy. I’ve had spells where I got aggravated because God didn’t do what I thought He should. But Kayleigh’s illness really showed me how God answers my prayers perfectly. Looking back I can see where more than once He answered “no,” and it turned into a beautiful blessing.

So yes, my strength does come from the Lord. It comes from my daily walk with Him. And just how amazing is that? We can have a deep, personal relationship with the God of the Universe. That is mind boggling.

Psalm 121:1-2
1 I look up to the mountains— does my help come from there? 2 My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Isn’t His handiwork amazing?

Today has just one of those days. The devil has been on the offensive all day, attacking us from every direction. The weather was dreary, the kids didn’t feel 100%, work had numerous little hiccups, Tim hasn’t felt well, and all of us have had a “missing Kayleigh” kind of sad day. And to top it off I’m writing tonight’s post for the second time because a technology glitch ate the first one right before I could hit the “publish” button. I’m ready to go to bed and just start over tomorrow.

But in the midst of all the rubbish of today God was so good to give me one of His “ah ha!” moments. It never ceases to amaze me how those moment pop up at the most unusual times. Of course it’s the time I need them most, because this God of mine knows every little thing about me and exactly what I need.

So my “ah ha!” came as I tucked Cole in tonight. Night time is hard when you’re sad. Just too much time to think and Cole’s thoughts were on Kayleigh. So, I purposefully tried to help reroute Cole’s thoughts to something brighter. The PFK Foundation is a big topic of conversation around our house, so we spent some time talking about what the foundation is about, and how Cole could be involved and help. We talked about how even though Kayleigh isn’t here, we can keep her memory alive by continuing to fight in her name.

As soon as I uttered those words I started remembering some very specific prayer times I had with the Lord this summer. I remember praying for the impossible, for Kayleigh to beat DIPG. I prayed specifically that she would be the kid that beats it and is able to show the doctors how to beat it in other children. I prayed big, bold prayers – and God granted me such peace – peace that He was going to answer those prayers. And then, Kayleigh died. And my prayer weren’t answered. Or were they?

Enter the PFK Foundation. This foundation is Kayleigh’s legacy. It is coming together and growing by exponential leaps and bounds all because of our little fighter. Her story continues to grow. People continue to share. Our goal for PFK is to help Kayleigh keep fighting DIPG. And that’s when it hit me – even though she isn’t here – she can still beat DIPG. Her foundation will continue to fight in her name. Raising money to fund research. Being a voice for these children and families that just can’t speak for themselves right now. Kayleigh can still be the kid that helps the doctors figure out what to do next. And yet again, the Lord shows me that He did indeed answer my prayers.

When I prayed those prayers I really wanted Kayleigh to beat cancer here and stay with me on this earth. I know if God had granted her a miracle it would have been amazing, but it would not have galvanized people to move – not like the tragedy of her death has. And while I miss her more every day, I know that this is just a drop of time in the bucket of eternity.

This verse continues to play in my mind…

Esther 4:14b
14b Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

Perhaps I was made Kayleigh’s mommy for such a time as this. To continue her fight. To help her beat this cancer for other children and their families.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Because if anyone can beat this, it’s Kayleigh and her warriors. And because she’s worth the fight

After such wonderful news yesterday tonight’s report is a little anticlimactic… but I am TOTALLY ok with that. I vote my family gets to be normal, average, ordinary, and maybe just a wee bit boring for a while. Oh, how lovely that sounds!

Of course, I don’t really thing God has boring in the cards for us. Kayleigh’s 5k/Fun Run/Birthday Bash is starting to come together. I can’t wait to share more info, but for now, just know you are going to want to mark Saturday, May 13th on your calendar if you are in the Hartselle, AL area. It’s going to be one awesome shindig. Kayleigh Bug would have approved I am quite certain!

Grace and Cole continue to improve. Grace is healed to about 85% and Cole is about 60%. Grace should be back to full speed in a week or so. Cole is probably going to take a bit longer. I let him try school today. He made it about 4 hours before it did him in. He was willing to keep pushing on to stay, but thankfully his teacher has good instincts and was able to let me know he really had reached the end of what was good for him. Hopefully he will be able to make it longer tomorrow and the pain will continue to decrease.

Tonight’s pictures are a gift from Kayleigh’s friend Anna. One of Anna’s favorite things to do is indoor snowball fights! Her mom Jodi decided we needed some of Anna’s brand of fun, so they sent us a box of snowballs! We had a great time tossing them around the living room.

Romans 15:13
13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

As I sit here and begin to type tonight my heart is overflowing with joy and gratitude. For only the second time in 8.5 months I have good, personal news to report. Yes, God has helped us see the positive in every circumstance along the way, and for that I am so very thankful. But… having 100% good news to report? That is a rare thing.

The pathology reports for Grace and Cole both came back today. And both are CLEAR!!! Clear!!! My heart is so thankful for God’s grace and goodness. For His amazing mercy and continued blessings. I am so thankful that I was able to sit down with my babies tonight and we could thank the Lord together for answering our prayers. So thankful that they had the opportunity to experience His goodness for themselves.

Tonight I am able to take a deep breath for the first time in a very long time. At this moment, my family is safe and healthy. I know that can change at any moment, and I trust the Lord, whatever He may ask. But tonight – tonight – God is granting me relief and rest.

Thank you for your continued prayers for our family. We will never be able to adequately thank each of you for helping us walk this road and carry this burden. I am looking forward to sharing more good news of upcoming events in the near future.

Isaiah 25:1
1 O Lord, I will honor and praise your name, for you are my God. You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them.

Psalm 116:1-2
1 I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. 2 Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜