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Happy New Years Eve, Eve! It’s been a good day here at the McClendon house. I have been working on our house since right after Thanksgiving. Organizing, cleaning, purging, trying to get our lives back in order after 6 months of flying by the seating our pants. Slowly but surely I have made progress each day. Sorting through Kayleigh’s things has been wonderful and difficult all at the same time. Some days I could spend hours in her room, with her things. And other times just looking at them for a moment was too much. But I matter what kind of day it is, God has walked with me. Picking me up when it’s too much and giving me strength to continue every day.

Finally, things are in the home stretch. I still have a few projects but nothing like where I started. Today, I enjoyed hanging pictures – and found great joy in seeing her beautiful face. Knowing that she is with our savior – well loved, safe, whole, healthy – that makes my heart smile.

Psalm 16:88 I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

Psalm 91:4
4 He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

I loved these metal wings. They seemed perfect to remind me that she, as well as the rest of us, are indeed sheltered with His wings.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Hebrews 4:16
16 So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Psalm 16:11
11 You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

These are the two verse that resonated with me tonight. Every now and then I just have these moments where it hits me that Kayleigh is never coming back. Logically, my brain is fully aware of that. Frankly, I wouldn’t bring her back to this broken world if I could. She’s in heaven, there is nothing better than that! But sometimes I see a picture, or something reminds me of her, and it just sneaks in and surprises me. And every time that happens my heart is shocked, then grieved all over again. Almost like a fresh hurt.

As I spent time talking with the Lord, telling him about my hurting heart, I opened my devotion and just began reading and rereading different days. These two verses soothed my heart. Hebrews reminded me not to feel bad about what is going on inside of me; rather, I need to go to the Lord openly, sharing my hurts and trusting Him to heal them. And while I know healing takes time, His mercy and grace give me strength for each day.

And then I read Psalms… another promise for joy. And not just joy, but a promise that the Lord will show me the way. And while I am being obedient, following His plan, He will grant me the joy of His presence. What more could I ask for?

It never fails, I go to the Lord feeling discombobulated and He untangles my mess, soothes my heart, and restores His peace in my heart. Oh what a gracious God we serve.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

This picture is from five years ago today. Sweet Baby Duck loves her beignets. And doesn’t she look beautiful in purple?

My goodness the year is coming rapidly to a close! I find myself looking hesitantly toward a new year. As difficult as this year has been, it has still been a good year. One full of hope, trust, faith, learning, growing, changing, and loss. But even in that loss, we have been blessed to find joy. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this year is the turning point in my life. That some day, when I am old and gray, I will still look at this year and say “that is what changed my life, that is where God gave me my purpose.”

Truly, I don’t have a choice. The death of your child alters you in indescribable ways. There is no scenario where I can wake up and go about my life like nothing ever happened. My prayer is that the change wrought in me there past 7.5 months is one that will stand the test of time. That I will be able to discern exactly what God’s purpose is for me and apply myself to His work whole heartedly. That Kayleigh’s memory will stay alive through her story – and that her story will draw people to Jesus.

As I was reading one of my devotions today this passage stick with me… “His answer may not appear in the manner or time you suppose. But rest assured, He has greater plans than you can imagine. So continue to trust and obey Him completely, and anticipate the blessings He’s promised you with joy.” I have found this to be so very true these last months. Never once has God answered me as I thought He would (or should). But He has proven himself faithful to me in every way. Even when things looked bad, God never waivers.

So while a new year makes me a little uneasy – it’s a great, big, vast unknown – it also has me looking forward in anticipation. Anticipation to see just what God is going to do through our family and Kayleigh’s story.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Sometimes I just need to post a sweet picture to remind me of my girl. Mommy loves you Baby Duck 💜💜💜.

We’re all home again, yay!!! The kids have enjoyed being with Tim’s family for the last couple of days and I have enjoyed being able to get things done – but there is nothing better than all being together!

A Facebook friend sent me the attached devotion earlier in the month. I haven’t been checking messages the past few weeks, it was just too much. But today I began trying to read some. As always, God’s timing is perfect. Being reminded to wrap myself in God’s truth was just what I needed. It is what gives me the strength to face each day with a smile on my face. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Psalm 86:11-13
11 Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you. 12 With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God. I will give glory to your name forever, 13 for your love for me is very great. You have rescued me from the depths of death.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

Thank you Lord for a wonderful day. Tim and I left the kids with his family last night. They were thrilled to play with cousins instead of cleaning house. Tim and I were thrilled to be able to actually get all the Christmas decorations down without any whining or complaining! It was also nice to have a little time together to be able to talk freely about how we are feeling and life in general.

I am so thankful most days we do pretty well. As I look at our lives, I am so thankful to have Tim as my balanced counterpart. He’s strong when I’m weak, clear headed when I’m fuzzy, and always steady. I’m pretty sure I make his life a lot more interesting than he ever anticipated. Just one more thing for me to continue to be thankful for. And a reminder that God is good and his plan is perfect in all things. We both miss our Kayleigh Bug but together, with our faith, we are able to weather the waves of grief and sadness as they come.

So tonight, Christmas is put away until next year. But I’m not in a hurry for 2017. You might thing I would want 2016 behind us, considering all that went on. But in truth, 2016 is the most amazing year of my life. I have learned so much, grown so much. My perspective about what is important has completely changed. This, the year of Kayleigh, has made me a better wife, mom, and person. God has grown our faith and blessed our family. Yes, we miss our girl, but we know where she is. And we know we will be with her again. Oh, what a day that will be!

Revelation 21:4
4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” 5 And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” 6 And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. 7 All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

I pray you know this God of mine. He makes life worth living, even when nothing makes sense.

Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜

My favorite elf…    

That does anything to make me smile…

And flies across the country to see me… I am so thankful!