What a week… and it isn’t even Friday! My mood has followed the weather this week. If you aren’t from this part of the world that means, grey skies, rain, thunderstorms, swinging from hot to cold, and a general feeling of unrest. I’ve had moments, even hours of feeling fine, then out of the blue a wave comes and I get sucked back in the grey. I’ve got to say, I’m not particularly keen about these feelings. I’m quite certain Tim would like for them to settle down. Poor guy catches the brunt, especially when sad turns to mad and back to sad.
Today just tipped me over the edge. I found Kayleigh’s softball pictures from last year. I had completely forgotten about them. Then there she was, smiling at me, with her right eye drooping, because that was right before we found out about the cancer. There is no stopping those waves of grief and loss. I think that is what has felt so big this week. The loss.
I’ve watched her friends sign up for another year of softball. They come in, give me hugs – I love it. I love seeing how they have grown and what precious young ladies they are becoming. And yet I feel the loss that I won’t get to experience that with Kayleigh. I walk in her room, sit on her bed, and the knowledge that she will never lay there again washes over me like it’s a fresh wound. Yes… today tipped me over the edge. I found her radiation mask, stroked her face, and gave God the broken piece of my heart.
And as always, God is good. He directed me to the passage I love in Lamentations. Lam 3:22-25, so much hope there. But tonight I was drawn to the verses before that… Lamentations 3:1-21… This are not happy, hopeful verses. Those are verses of deep despair – filled with pain, and anguish of loss. As you read those verses you see the author, Jeremiah, is about to lose hope – but then He remembers who God is, and what He has done for him in the past. Jeremiah finds hope, and pens some beautifully inspiring verses. Not because his situation changed, but because he changed his perspective.
I love that God doesn’t expect me to have it all together. He doesn’t expect me to understand. He doesn’t get angry with me for being sad. He guides me to His word and encourages me through the scriptures.
I would suggest you take a moment and go read Lamentations 3. These are some of the other verses the Lord brought to me tonight…
Psalm 31:14-15
14 But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, “You are my God!” 15 My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.
Psalm 51:10-13
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.
Isaiah 26:12
12 Lord, you will grant us peace; all we have accomplished is really from you.
Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow 💜
