March 12, 2017
We made it. Who would have thought a birthday would have been so difficult? To be quite honest, it was awful. The past few days have been the most difficult I personally have experienced in this journey. Harder than her diagnosis, more difficult than watching Kayleigh fight cancer, and somehow – more painful than watching her earthly spark slip away. These past few days, the magnitude of loss has been overwhelming.
I look back at this past Christmas, that should have been a difficult season, yet it wasn’t. I had time to prepare my heart. We put the Christmas tree up early for Kayleigh to enjoy, we shared gifts and Christmas carols, we made memories. So even though Christmas Day came and went without Baby Duck, I still had those memories tucked away. This milestone was different. It was just a birthday.
Just a birthday, but the devil had a field day. Cole was sick with the stomach bug so I couldn’t go to church. We had to cancel our small group because we didn’t want to give them his germs. Birthday lunch at my moms is usually a big, fun, family to do, but so many things came up from sickness to other obligations throughout the family that only a few could make it and it just wasn’t the same. While Cleaning out my laundry room I found a single Kayleigh flip flop – one of her favorites, as well as a pair of her shorts I loved. And while making room in the fridge I cleaned out all the way to the back where I found her special jello just waiting her her to ask for it. Yes, the devil worked over time. And today, he made some direct hits. I’ve shed more tears these past two days than I have through her entire journey.
If I stop my story there it is a sad thing indeed. If I stopped there you all would probably understand, because grief is hard and very rarely do we have the words we need to encourage one another. But that is not where my story ends. You see, I made it. Not under my own strength, but with the gift of strength from a God that loves me and carries me when I cannot carry myself. Has it been a sad day? Yes. But I know that which the devil intends for destruction, my God intends for good. I know that my hurt, pain and grief is going to help someone else. I know that by weathering this storm, I am being equipped for the future. I am learning. I am growing. And I am going to use this to share the love of my Savior and encourage anyone that God puts in my path.
I am so very thankful that this day is over. I am ready for bed and a new day tomorrow, but I am not going to bed with tears tonight. Tonight, I am going to bed with a smile. It’s a weary smile. One that has seen too many miles and too many tears, but it’s a smile none the less. Yes, the evil one tried, but he did not prevail. My God is bigger.
I love this verse from Genesis where Joseph is talking. He knew all the hardships in his life were for a purpose. We’re to ultimately save his family and their people. Just because we don’t understand God’s plan doesn’t mean it isn’t perfect.
Genesis 50:20
20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.
Isaiah 55:8-9
8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. 9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜
