Mercy… Remember when we were kids and things got too rough you could call out “uncle” to make the rough housing stop? That’s where I am today, I just need to call “uncle”. Cancer royally sucks. I’ve been looking for a nicer way to express that but at the moment a broader vocabulary escapes me. I’m quite certain my mother will me appalled at that vernacular (sorry mom) but at the same time I think she will understand the sentiment.
Kayleigh has been an absolute trooper today. We started our morning painfully early. She had an EKG at 7:00 am and the day just kept on from there. She had 5 blood draws, the EKG, assessment & triage, clinic visit, PK nurse visits, Quality of Life nurse visits, and the horrific stomachache all day to just make things more difficult. She cried in public today for the very first time. That’s how I know the pain was intense. She is always so private about her fears and grief. She never shows it to anyone but me. Not even Tim. She lets everyone else see her brave face. But today it was too much and she broke.
So many things she gets from her daddy but that one she gets from me. Very rarely will anyone see me break. Panic never fixes anything, so weather the storm, take care of business, and fall apart on your own later, after the crisis has passed, and it doesn’t matter any more. I’m sure that says a lot about me but it’s how I seem to be wired. However, I am beginning to learn that even better than weathering the storm and falling apart later is to trust Jesus to weather the storm with you, draw from His strentgh and just skip the falling apart all together. So even on days like today, when I really just want to throw up my hands and cry “UNCLE” and let this be over, somehow, I can look at it and say somwhow, someway, God is going to use even this for good.
I have to trust that God’s plan, every piece, is perfect. That means that days like today are still a part of His perfect plan. When I look at my baby and see her suffer, oh what that does to my heart. Can you begin to imagine how God Almighty felt when His only son was crucified? Crucified for people that truly did not deserve such a precious gift. Yet He did it. My grief is nothing compared to that. And thinking like that makes me treasure my relationship with Jesus even more.
So, today was a hard day – but it was still a good day. It was another day I got to spend with Tim, Grace, Cole and Kayleigh. As I lay with my sweet Kayleigh tonight I can do nothing but give thanks for another day.
Please continue praying. Pray for tomorrow to be easier. For medicines to work better without stomach upset. For complete healing this side of heaven.
Until tomorrow,
‘Carrow💜
This is Kayleigh removing her own IV… I told you she was a tuff cookie!!
